rubbish

"You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not."
— Jodi Picoult
Sometimes other people say what you feel and you can't find the words to say.
they just have their ish together like that.
Gosh one day I hope I have it together enough to be quoted.
for now i know a few things
God is good
the morning will always come
love is like matter, and can't be created nor destroyed
these things make me happy.
Like legitimately happy.

B-

Today God saved my life.. through a B-.
In english that's what I got.
I'm really super happy about it though because I was scared of an F.
Like really scared!
I feel like if I passed that class I can handle this whole college thing.
If He got me through Abdoo's honors class then He is going to find a way to get me through the rest.
If I'm meant to go to med-school, then He's gunna find a way for me to pass the MCAT, and pay for that too, even if I gotta donate some eggs.
I have one more final and honestly, I should have studied, but it's chem and I really
don't know how to study for that. So God help me get through that too!
ALSO I'm about to go out with my really sweet boyfriend, I've been having the scary scary feelings but this time I'm not running, I'm doing my best to be a grown up and not do the whole scary scary thing.
soo yeahh God has been good to me!

this cloudyness is heartbreaking today for some reason.
I'm listening to T. Swift, and skipping english,and just generally really wanting to go back home!
This is a hard week to be here for some reason.
Probably because I just totally bombed my bio test.
This day started pretty suckily.
Bio, english(which Im skipping), chem hw due, stat, hour break, lab till 4, gym with Mary, dinner, research paper.
SUCK.
I just want a big hug, and I got one but now I want another one.
I'm needy
the end

weak

I'm weak and flawed.
Tired, exhausted, worn in, worn out, upside down inside out.
I'm me, and I'm loved.
I'll still be as loved tomorrow as I am today, thank You God.
This is it, this is me, I'm no genius, and I'll never be.
I love, and am loved, not by men, not by women, but by my God.
Sometimes by men, every once in a while by women,but always by Him.
I'm so blessed, I have family, friends, and a roof over my head.
I am getting an education, and pretty cheaply.
I love my life, thank God.
The end

bitches

get stitches. end of story.

sometimes I wish I was the girl in one of those stories.
you know the one's where the ending comes quickly?
Happily ever after comes after a few complications and a hero in a fast car.
But really I think I would find that kind of ending very frustrating, because what does happily ever after mean anyway?
Where is the contract guaranteeing Cinderella her happily ever after?
I would really like to have some of my pre-law friends look that over because there's gotta be a loophole for prince charming in case cinderella gets fat or something.
ANYWAYS
Im glad my life isn't a simple story wrapped up, and sparkly, and I'm happy with the journey,so much so that I sometimes loose sight of the destination.
The most frustrating part of the long way too happily ever after is that dreams like babies, and marriage that seem so close for my peers are still just as far away for me as they seemed at 14.
Hormones make me say aww every time we pass a cute baby in the mall, and my *achem* shapely (i guess u could call it) figure makes me the target of boys who want me to be either be the girl mom and dad approve of, or who want me to BE their mother in some creepy way.
Not too worry though, I am very focused, recently so though.
I now spend at least and hour and a half studying on days when I don't have class, and sometimes on days when I do.
I re-write messy notes, and try and figure out concepts that weren't explained in class, and basically I'm an even bigger nerd than I was in high school.
BUT hopefully it's paying off.
It seems to be, but I can't really tell.
There are still people who are smarter than me, AND people who are more stupid, so I guess after mid-term grades are out I'll know what I need to work on, I'm not sure.
So, clearly I'm no Cinderella, I have no wicked step mother or sisters, AND CERTAINLY no prince as of yet( but no worries I'm not holding my breath).
I'm me. Morgan Lea Freeman Giggles B-Rabbit Jesus-lady Harrison. =D
Yeahhh I know I'm self focused again sorry

a dream

is a wish that your heart makes, when you're fast asleep :)

baby the dice were loaded from the start

romeo, you know I used to have a scene with him!!!
I love you.
All of you and I'm sorry I'm so self focused!
If you need me, know I always have your back.
:D

accountability

I think I need some more accountability cause I find myself in the worst conversations, and being very inappropriate at times.
I have catholic friends who are like me in that they dont smoke drink or have sex, but the problem lies in the stupid conversations we have at dinner or back at the room.
I just feel like I'm undoing all the progress I made with my lanuage and subject content over the summer.
Maybe that's the whole point, maybe because I tried to change of my own violition and that's why it's not sticking..
Also days like today when I dont have class I dont read my Bible before I go out, and that needs to change.
In addition the single life is becoming more frustrating as everyone starts pairing off and I'm feeling out in the cold, and frustrated.
Pray for me please :)
I want so badly to be a good example for the kids at youth group, and to be close with God, I just feel like college is working in the opposite direction, and it's frustrating!

"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)
Why is it all about love?? Gosh i hope love is awesome since I spend so much time thinking about it. Who is in it and who's not. Will I ever find it? Will it last? will it be that guy? how about that one? I really don't want to be let down when I finally find it...
I want someone to say one day that one of the greatest accomplishments of their life was loving me, and loving me for me the crazy mess that I am.
I want to be able to say right back that they were one of the biggest defining forces in my life.
I want what all of humanity wants which is to be loved, and loved well.
I think that's possibly the most conformist thing about me.

quoteables

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
— Mother Teresa
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
— Marilyn Monroe
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
— Thomas A. Edison
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe
"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
— Mark Twain
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
— Albert Einstein
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
— Mark Twain
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

ouch!

this has been one crazy monday!
I did my morning routine, and then grabbed a capachino with rachel on the way to class, but it's been such a long day that i cant believe that was today at all.
Then went to class, and thankfully my 11am was cancelled, so i ran back to the dorm and finished the questions that were due for lab at 1.
Then I layed down for like 5 minutes, but then I got up to grab super quick lunch then go to bio ex credit on time management, then i had lab, which was super exaughsteing since for some reason at one point my lab partners designated me a task that i felt i couldnt do properly, and i felt like they werent helping, and ever decision i made i felt like they were undermining. But it got better, and we ended up going over a little on time, but so did the whole class.
Then I went back to my room and feel into a dead sleep for an hour and a half, which was the blessed highlight of my dayy. Then rob wanted me to come over, and i did cause we needed to talk about him being (excuse my french) a witch. then we talked that out, and I'm really still not happy about the whole thing but he recognized that nothing was my fault that he freaked out for no reason pertaining to me. Then we hung out w/ppl for a few min, and then I went to din din with ang,and talked it out with her. Brendan came by and we talked a lil about it too. Then me and ang went back to her room, and Djejry stopped by, and he and i went to rob's to meet up with everyone for Angel's birthday to go to the diner. Then we walked there, and we all laughed and joked, and we ate and sang and laughed, and walked back doing the same thing. I was joking around with kevin and he made me feel really bad cause he said i was inconsiderate of rob's feeling by joking around too much wioth him and Djerjy which is true but it stung, but he did it carefully but it still hurt, but he was right. Now I have no idea how to act, and its frustrating. Rob got sick at dinner, and i of course took the bossy role of ensuring he took propper care of himself cause frankly he was fragrantly disregaurding his health and more than anything is pissed me off. By the time we got back to the room he has apperantly thrown up twice more, which i didnt know cause I'd been talking to Djerjy and Kevin about my coldheartedness. So I oersirbed a bottle of water, and rest, the rest he disregaurded but the water her drank.
We played poker, and I came back to the dorm at a lil before 12, and decided to get my laundry done tonight. SO that's what I'm doing right now. MY laundry. SO I will have more time to study, and work out tomorrow.
But right now I'm tired, and I feel lonely.
I will live and everything will be fine, but Kevin's reprove still stings(although he jokes with me as much as i do him I think it was a reprove to himself as muich as it was too me), and I feel like in order to put this whole thing behind me I have to move on and not talk about it, but I still feel no peace about the situation.
So if your reading this please pray for me:)
I also have two tests this week and an essay due monday, and another test either this week or next week.
I'm running on fumes and it's monday :)
Lord help me!

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me

<3 that song soo much!
my tummy hurts.. possibly because i had three cups of coffee today :)
oh well i dont mind cause i have soo much energy now :)
okayy so my love life is back to boring which in a way makes me happy cause I know where I stand!
lol anywayss I really have absolutely nothing interesting to say as usual besides I love everyone and I am having a great day!week!month!year!
lol and ahhhhh okay im going to the gym,a nd work off some of this energy!

home :)

I'm soo glad I came home this weekend, i had a blast, and i had missed them soo much!

But I'm super excited about getting back to campus too!

I can't believe that mommy is really moving to ARK!

So things are going to be a little different around here!

Everyone is seeking God's will(aka their great perhaps) and it is so exciting to see!

Gotta get back to campus to finish my bio lab :P

love, love, love

Oh Gosh

I'm soo glad everyone is back!

Like seriously, it made me feel so much better when people started coming back to campus this morning!

I hung out with Angie all day!

We walked ALL OVER JERSEY CITY.

I expect to be sore manana.

Also rob came back, and brian and shane and all those guys that I'm pretty much friend with.

But really my main homies are Rob, Carlos, and Angie.

They are my favorites at least, but the rest are chill too.

anyways it's nice to have a big group to go to dinner with and stuff, it's so much less lonely and boring when everyone is here.

By the way there is pot all over the place here!! like almost everyone smokes! its crazy!!!

EWWWW it's major gross!

I wish I had class tomorrow

this whole time on my hands thing is bad for me

I mean I have been praying, and listening more BUT ITS SO DEPRESSING ON CAMPUS WHEN EVERYONE IS GONEEEE

like seriously!

but really today wasnt so bad,

What did I do tonight??

Well it started out getting back from the gym.

Then I showered and ordered chinese.

I ate, and watched old movies, until steve called and asked me to come outside and hang out with him.

So then I hung out with him, and Tim.

We went to 711 and got drinks(iced tea and stuff)

Then we came back and chatted on the picnic tables some more.

Then i went back to my room to finish my movie, and they wanted to come over so I told them they could stop by later if they really wanted.

So they did like 5 min after I got here.

Then we all hung out for a while and tim climbed in my bed and went on the laptop.

Steve eventually dipped cause he wanted to talk to his gf.

So me and Tim watched a movie, yes in my bed, only cause there rlly is no better place to watch tv.

BUT I MADE SURE NOTHING HAPPENED

If he got too close to my face I moved.

Anyways he just left now, and its pretty late.

After the movie we talked and and an ongoing cheek pinching war(yes i know this sounds familiar) BUT I WAS CAREFUL!

Gosh it's so hard to have male friends!

I will be more careful in choosing who i let come up next time.

Anyways nothing happened the most physical contact we had was for like a few minutes his head was on my knee, but even then I was so careful.

I WISH WE HAD COUCHES!

I HATE MEN...

okay there are a few I dont hate, but he isn't one of them lol

(okayy i just dont like him I dont hate him)

but he tried, and was denied.

that in itself is an improvement.

"So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." — John Gree

That was malik's status at some point this week, and can I just say that I really want to be a hurricane?

Like whoever is reading this can stop now cause this is completely self indulgent, and I don't want to put you through that!(so you may ask"so why did u blog it?" the answer is I just need to k?)

I want to be a strong powerful force!

I mean I recognize that I will always be puny in God's eyes but I still want people to get caught in my whirlwind is that so bad?

I want to be a force to be re-conned with.

A pretty one though.

I want someone to fall in love with me, and for me to fall in love with him.(but that's so back-burner)

I want to the the best and the brightest.

Basically is there is an EST, and it's good then I want to be it.

LOL not really, but I do want most of that.

I want God's will for my life, and I want it to be a great plan.

Of course it's a good plan, it's His, but you know what I mean!

I want to like go help kids in china, rather than be stuck on some guy in jersey!

I want to do great things, and find great love, and make it count.

Those are all the things I want.

What am I doing to make those things happen?

Well I'm praying A LOT.

I am playing a lot

I am working out kinda-a lot

I am watching my mouth

I am watching my physical contact w/ opposite sex

I am running around and being MORGAN( as if I could help it)!

But right now this weekend I am relaxing.(I even lied to one Frankie and said i was sick so he wouldn't come over which was wrong.)

I am praying, and playing, and working out, and eating.

OH AND WATCHING BLACK AND WHITE MOVIES!

they are the best!!!

They have these leads that are pretty, and handsome, and in love.

AND THEY ALWAYS END HAPPILY!

now I'm not saying that life is supposed to be like that BUT I am happy, and my life is full of joy, the only thing missing is the male lead ;)

I'm just kiddin'!

Okayy well that's all I wanted to sayy

hurricane out :)

You Never Let Go :) - great song

God is so good.

I feel like every post should start with that!

Some days when I'm down like today and yesterday, and I cant figure out what's wrong with me I just feel so much better knowing that God has my back!

Like seriously!

Knowing that He's got some kind of plan for my life makes me feel both unworthy, and peaceful!

Even when I botch things up, and am mean to people, or tell a lie, He knows and He is faithful, just, and forgives me when I ask.

That is amazing to me.

He makes me feel full when I'm empty.

He gives me strength when my hugtank is empty, and I feel like no one here will ever give me the right hug I need(I know that sounds really weird but it makes sense to me)

He reassures me when I have doubts, and when I feel like a looser, or ugly He either puts someone in my path to make me feel better, or make the feeling go away.

He may not do things in my time, but He does things in His time, which is appropriate considering His is perfect and mine's not.

He is teaching me so much through this school, and the people here it's awesome, and often trying and reminiscent of high school.

He brings me words of wisdom through his word, and worship music, basically He has my back even when I don't realize I need Him too.

between a rock, and a hard place :)

First monday!

SOO i'm sorry for all these day summary things, momma made me promise to do this before I left, and its not like anyone else reads these anyways!

Todayy was very exciting

I woke up at 6:30 cause it takes me unbelievably long to get ready for the day.

showered, did hair, did make-up.

then I went into the "kitchen" (quotes absolutely necessary because said kitchen has neither stove nor any other cooking instrument), and did some devo's.

Then it was about 7:30 and I headed to the caf, and got breakfast.

Animesh was there, and saw me sitting by myself and joined me.

( I sat on the side with my back to Rachel cause now she full on hates me, which I dont really care about, but the whole hate thing is a new concept to me)

then we went to class, and bio wasn't bad we got these awesome photocopies of the slides she is using, but they have little lines on the sides to make notes on.

Then I had english, and we talked about the short story we read for hw, and it wasnt so bad.

Then there was CHEMISTRY!!!

which I love, love, love!!!

thennn there was statistics fo da life sciences(ghetto intended).

I sat next to julian and he is really cool ,but the class is borderline coma inducing!!

THEN I did something very exciting!

I went to lunch, and guess who was there? Rachel! you guessed it!

So animesh sat with me again, but then that kid I met in orientation came to sit w/ me, and so did Rob ,and this kid w/ the hawiian name koma( he got stuck in hawii for a month! lucky duck!) and animesh left again. Then I had lab.

WHICH was really lame, but I think it' going to get better!

then at 3:30 i came back to the dorm and talked to bri for a bit, and did th fb thing.

then around 4:30ish rob and I went to the library, AND THEN we went to din din.

I think you know who was there: rachel!

Somehow they are still cool, so he wanted me to sit with her and be nice(his words not mine)

But I really didnt want to, so I took a really long time making my waffle and walked super slow over to the table, and then he is like ya know what? we'll go sit over there.

I said okayyy.

We get over to some other table and I asked whyy the change in plan, and he says

get this "SHE SAID THAT IF YOU SAT NEXT TO HER SHE'D PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE"

I almost choked!

No one has ever wanted to physically hurt me before!!! what the heck???

So I ate my waffle, and we went back to his dorm for a while watched a little tv, and he and steve stole my phone for the 70 billionth time.

then we went back to the library, and I did two hours worth of work, and came back to the dorm, and chatted with beatriz about all this crap, cause she missed it all this weekend.

So yeah that's basically now :)

God is good, and you know what? besides the shock of someone hating me THAT much, and possibly spreading rumors about me, I don't really care.

God's got my back, and I should have told her I would tell him , but that is the past, and as far as friend loyalty I did the right thing.

In any case, I love this school, my life, my FAMily, my FRIENDS, my GOD, and my CHEM class! :)

This morning when I was listening to last weeks sermon, I got so much out of it cause I was feeling defeated this morning, and like I was a mess up.

BUT it talked about how Peter felt like he had a big F on his forehead.

But then by the end we find out that Peter is a great man of God and that the F is more like a stamp of forgiveness than failure.

I was feeling so bad about Ty, and all the other guy icky stuff that I just can't seem to keep myself out of.

But it reminded me that a. I'm covered under grace and b. that God's gunna fill in the little cracks and holes that those mistakes have left behind, and He is giving me the courage to stay clean from my drug.

Soooo

It's sunday, and I didn't make it to church BUT I listened to last weekd sourmon again and got even more out of it and that was great!

Then I ate brunch with Henry.

Then I came back to the dorm and watched a cute black and white movie.

Then I went over to rob's for a while, and wrote up my bio project, and hung out with him and steve.

We watched sherlock holmes on his bed BUT I was careful that there was always a pillow between us, and I sat up so when I thought he could be thinking of cuddling I made it impossible.

Then we decided we had better get dinner so we did, and we ran into a table of people we knew so we ate with them, and hung around a while.

THEN rachel came in... rachel told Rob that she liked him, BUT then kissed two other guys.

AND she talks even louder than I do, and is even bossier and yeahhh she kinda broke his heart.

SO she comes in and gets bossy with him, and eats and then has the nerve to text me about her problems with him and all.

SO i tell her she should tell him the whole truth, which she says she has.

BUT he sees me texting her and after I left texts me what where she and I talking about so I naturally forward him the texts, because she said she had told him the truth.

WHICH of course she hadn't.

Sooo I'm about to go back over to finish the movie, and to talk about how much I dislike her.

He was convinced I was jealous, but I'm not as we all know my silly little heart could never fall for a white boy ;)

love you all :)

saturdays oh saturdayss

So todayy and yesterday were awesome.

Yesterdayy i woke up, did laundry, showered, and went to lunch with angie, rob, and henry.

Then I hung out with rob and henry in rob's dorm for a while.

Then me, rob, ang, mellissa, jolene, justine, and will went to play air hockey, and pool.

I don't entirely suck at either one sooo it was coool lol

then rob went home for the weekend, and then i got bored.

So i went back to the dorm and watched tv for a bit.

Then I got hungry I ran into henry on the way to dinner, and he joined me.

We ate and talked for two hours lol.

then i came back to the dorm and watched more tv

at like 10 i got reaaaaallly hungry, so I ordered too much chinese food.

We haven't gotten our fridge yet so i had to throw away the left overs :(

Then I went to sleep :)

THEN this morning Henry and I went to lunch and the mall.

It was fun, but the mall we went to was super small, and that sucked.

Then we walked back, and I was gunna take a nap but instead what did i do? i watched more netflix.

Then I was like brilliant plan! I will practice guitar!

Then I thought hmmmm I should go to the gym!!!

So I texted angie and asked her to go with me.

So i met her there and we bike(9 miles :) and then I came back and showered.

Then it was 5 , so me angie and henry got food.

then we were walking back with steve and ended up joining a jam session in the yard type thing in front of the dorms, and made new friends :)

then around 7:30 I got bored and came back to my dorm to what? watch netflix some more :)

and that was my time :)

BUT this morning i got to thinking about how tabby and maeg were hanging out without me and that made me sad :(

and I miss ty, for some reason of all my friends I miss him soo much (dont tell him though) lol

scary lady numero dos

okayyy so my classes seem like they are gunna be epic!

i have bio, english, chem, statistics.

Bio the prof is super nice and i know like 6 people in that class.

ENGLISH however the VERY scary lady is not nice and I know NOONE! lol

Chem the prof has a beautiful puppy, and is chair of chem dept and super cool, and i made a friend in that class.

Stat is cool i know like 3 or 4 peeps and I met someone new, and the Prof is awesome, and funny.

I need to buy

goggles

lab coat

lab book bio

lab book chem

stat book

english the common reader

i already bought them chem book and one of the eng books

I think i can get away with reading the other eng book in the library, and the bio text there too.

then after class i ate w/ my friend shona

then i came back to the dorn and chilled for a while

then hung out with jolene and angie for a while

then i took a nap

then i went with carlos to grab coffee

then we got our laptops taken care of, and steve and this girl can't remember her name invited me to the mall but i didnt feel like it :p

then i got dinner with angie

then i came back to the dorm like an hour ago :)

so its been good :)

I think i might go hang out with rob for a while he is nice.

they're all nice lol

COLEGIC

SOoooo classes haven't started yet BUT it's pretty cool here.

This is day 2 of college life extravaganzaaaaa.

I kinda miss everyone but I think mostly I miss getting hugs.

I have a few huggy friends so i think i will be okayy eventually.

Also, the whole not having a kitchen thing cause I cant just like go grab a glass of water or anything.

Also it gets pretty tirig constantly getting to know people.

BUT the UPSIDES are

I'm meeting new people, and my roommates are cool, and kinda quiet so that's a Godsend.

The honors program is pretty small, and i made friends in that too.

I have class only 3 days a week!!

I have unlimited meals so I can grab breakfast, lunch, and dinner whenever.

The food selection is decent I mean I had soup, salad, and marble cake for dinner and it was very tolerable almost good even :)

and the capachino machine is amazing( well good anyways :)

but usually I just drink diet coke or something.

The bummer is that my friend who I'm with all the time only has the 7 plan, meaning she only has 7 meals a week so that sucks.

also my friend rob has a wake tonight and that's sad but he wants to hang out and talk when he get's back so i of course said yess cause how can you say no?

my tummy hurts at the moment so i really dont feel like socializing till then.

but its been a great dayy and i cannot wait until tomorrow :) my classes my classes :)

This summa

1-table I painted

1- boy I have kissed this summer

2- times i kissed him

2- stupid things I did

2- scarves I've knitted

2- silly songs I wrote

2- times I went to walkway over the hudson

2.5- hats I've knitted

3- song's i learned

3- times I went to the beach

3- people in my family who i'm gunna miss

4- numba's i got w/ my playaness

5- the best friends I spent time with

6- days till I leave

7- days till I start over

8ish- times I cried

too many- movies I paid to see that sucked

too many- people I won't see again

too many- people I will miss

not enough- self respect/ control

not enough- selfless acts

not enough- faith

infinity- God's grace for me :)

This summer has been great. Clearly I've made mistakes, and unlike most people I would take them back if I could. But God is good, and I'm learning. So much has made this summer great..

I'm rambling but that's okayy cause noone cares anyway lol!

Gosh I'm going to miss this place, and these people.

But mtown is like a best friend with the flu.

you miss them but if you stay with them you'll just get sick.

So bye bye silly little town, 211, besties, family, mhs, and basically everything else familiar :)

I would be scared to death if i didnt know that God has my back

imu

I miss you childhood.

I have only been an adult for a few hours, a couple days, a week or so, and several months.

but its gone like the morning dew on June grass.

Its gone.

It was a tearful goodbye, but it was said.

But just for no one's information in particular I suck at being grown up.

That isn't important though, what is important is that I get better.

That means

a. reading all my mail

b. not sleeping with stuffed animals(oh wait I dont do that anyway)

c. not complaining in the face of scary events

d. learning how to speak grown-up

e. not procrastinating

f. making more lists

My week in detail in some areas and vague in others

Wanna start with sunday?

so i went to church which was awesome as usual, the music is always great and the message is funny and convicting.

Then I came home, and had lunch with mommy, and Maeg.

Then we went to Pennsylvia to go to this gas station with really good soda and cheap cigarettes.

Then we hung out at Yana and Kenny's and had Taco's for dinner!

We came home, and watched some silly movie I think.

Monday!

I love mondays! they are a fresh start and I LOVEEE IT!

So this particular monday was special cause I had to take my placement test

I left Middletown on the 7:24 train heading to secaucus.

When I got there I couldn't find my next train and I only had like 4 minutes to do so.

Finally after running around the entire(huge) station I asked this nice looking cop how to get to the Newark Penn station train and he told me, but I was still running late.

I get to my platform, and look at the little TV that says whether the trains are on time or not, and mine is running 5 minutes late (thank you God!)

So I get on the trenton train and get off in Newark, and from there it was easy cause all I had to do was take the PATH to journal square which is less than a mile from my school.

Finding the PATH is super easy cause it just has one platform and its not numbered but labeled PATH.

So I bought a metro card, and got on the PATH.

I got off at journal square on JFK blv.

My school is on JFK blv so I figured I would just walk there.

I walk and the road curves (I'm in Jersey city so not that much but you get the picture) and I walk a ways and realize that I should at least be able to see the school by now.

Up until this point it had been sprinkling slightly, but suddenly it's all out raining, and not a drizzle like really raining.

So the hood goes up, and there is a tree in the middle of the sidewalk so I huddle under it for a few minutes and wait for the rain to let up a little.

Now I'm standing under this tiny tree thinking and praying "Lord what the hell am I gunna do now?"

Then I think well maybe its just a little farther up.

The rain lets up a tiny bit, and i start walking again (mind you its about 9:28 and my test is at 10) and I see someone walking towards me and think"hey why not ask for directions?"

So I ask this nice lady with and umbrella which way St Peter's is and she says she is sorry but she just moved here from New York and has no idea.

Obviously I high 5 her and say "Me too" and "thanks" and keep walking.

The next person maybe 10 feet further down the block doesn't speak good english, and the next is a little thuggy but says I should go ask inside the laundry mat right behind him.

So I walk into the laundry mat, and at first I don't know what to do.

There is no one behind the counter, and a room full of diligent launderers are staring at me.

So I look around for a second at all the blank faces.

Finally I just direct my question to the entire room "Does anyone know which way Saint Peter's College is?"

A lot of their expressions remained black, and I almost thought I was out of luck.

But then this nice short man gives me directions.

Apperantly I had turned off of JFK a few blocks back and hadn't realized it.

So back on the right track I call up the person in charge of the "first year experience" and let them know i will be a few minutes late.

they sounded annoyed but it didn't bother me since I was doing the "adult thing" and calling to say I was late.

Then as I'm walking down JFK, and the rain has just about subsided this man in front of me cautions me about a puddle, and I, politely, say thanks.

He then proceedes to continue a conversation for about 5 blocks with a heavy mexican accent discussing his life in Mexico, his difficulty learning our language, and his shock at my being able to understand him.

Then finally just before I reach the school he says goodbye, and I walk the length of campus and reach lolya (or something like that) hall, go inside, and take my test.

The way back was much less eventful.

I didn't get lost or anything, but I did spend 20 minutes in Newark figuring out where my next train was coming from, but that was okay because I had an hour before it arrived anyway.

Then I took the train all the way home, John picked my up from the station, and we got slushies like the independent adults that we are, and came home to watch the rain, and the Ugly Truth.

John left, I made dinner(amazing Beef stroganoff), watched true blood with mommy and maegy, and took at walk.

I showered read my Bible a little and went to bed.

Tuesday

Tuesdays have never been my favorite day, but this one was a pretty good one.

I woke up at 7:30

Just like every other weekday I read my Bible and drank coffee(black).

then I started the laundry, and did the litterbox.

By this time it was 8:40, and tabby got up so we went for a walk around the twin towers loop, usually we walk for 1/2 an hour but she woke up a little late.

Then we came home she showered, and I did the dishes after she left for work.

At around 10 Kevin texts me and I get ready to go to Steph's with him.

He gets here a while later, and we go to steph's, and all three of us sat on her bed for a good hour, and just talked cause we had to catch up since she had been gone for a week setting her room up in the Bronx.

So then we decide to stop being lame and go somewhere.

Steph goes fishing for quarters in the change bowl, and I bribe Kevin with thr promise of coffee as long as he s good.

We ended up at McDonalds on Dolson cause steph, as always, wanted fries.

So we sat there for about and hour and a half gossiping drinking coffee eating french fries, and watching the guys outside scrape paint off the playplace.

Now we decided that we were starting to look pretty lame, so we load back up in the car, and head to Kevin's house.

Kevin has told me a lot about his family, and not much of it has been positive so my expectations are bleak.

When we get there his little sister makes fun of him for doing no chores, which I appriciate because anyone who makes fun of Kevin is okay with me.

We sit and chat in his room, which has pink polka dot curtains!, and his mommy gets home and i say the whole nice to meet you stuff, and she starts to cook.

We stay for lunch, but its like 2:45 so thats like i guess just a late lunch, and I dont eat cause I had salad and ice cream for breakfast at 10, but steph and kevin eat.

His mom informs us about rino mating rituals, and then kevin has to work so he brings us home.

Steph and I bake a cake, and discuss how his family really doesn't seem so bad maybe he is just a drama queen(well she put it more nicely than that but..) and we watch the newest episodes of hung.

Then we watch the invention of lying,which looked amazing but was ridiculously long and disappointing.

Towards the end of the movie mommy and ty get home so after its over we start dinner.

I made mediteranean orzo salad, and fried zichini and squash.

Steph ices the cake.

We eat.

Tab and Mom go to the gym.

We help Ty clean his car after he and Maeg fail in their attempt to change her tire in Cheeseburger in Paradise parking lot.

We made Ty into a superhero, and found some really really really old fiesta potatoes that had turned green.

Then Mommy and Tab got home, and Me and Maeg borrowed Tabby's car to drop Steph off and Ty went on his date.

After we dropped Steph off at home we went to shoprite to get cupcake stuff for Maeg's work party, and came home and baked them.

We watched pretty little liars, and then I read my Bible and went to bed.

-Placement test. check

John mother freakin green

So I was reading looking for alaska

john green IS my fav author of ALL TIME so yeah

but anyways my point

In every single book i've read there is a heroine/villian who is amazing yet helplessly flawed.

and the narrator of the story is always hopelessly in love with her.

but she is always awesome like i said.

she is usually INASNE

and unattainable

but she is the kind of girl who we all want to be :fearless, sexy, smart, feminist, and just HER.

So what stops me from being Margo Ruth Speigelman, Lindsey, or even Alaska is that I'm me.

I have my own helpless flaws.

I have my own victories.

only im not fictional. thanks for asking

who i am hates who i've been :)

I'm learning that what i have done in my life isnt who i am.

everyday is a fresh start cause God only sees the good stuff

i dont have to be who i have been, and i dont HAVE to be who i will be that part is my choice

i myself am a very illusive concept as who i am is always changing

some people spend years discovering who they are

but how could anyone know themselves exactly since you arent who you were yesterday?

if you keep searching for yourself all you really can be doing is looking at who you were.

who you are is what you are DOING

if you are trying to figure it out then you aren't doing ANYTHING

therefore you aren't being you.

deals

i bought most of my dorm room stuff today for a grand total of $137 thank you very much :)

goodbye childhood :'( i will miss you dearly

spy!

so i finished Snakehead today

it was about a teenage spy

i was in kohls and thinking about the closest thing to me that could be used as a weapon...

i need to stop reading these books..

but i wont :) no worries everyone will just have to deal with the new and improved spy version of me

my week

so i have become a regular house wife just without the wife part.

i plan meals and cook, i clean, i rearrange my house, i do laundry, i paint random home furnishings, and i stay home all day.

i mean the house looks great, and everyone loves coming home to something other than frozen pizza, but yet i wonder if there is something more i should be doing?

just signed up for orientation and my placement test. . . this whole thing is creepy!

im not a college student I'm just a child!!

:)

anyways i love my life

Part II

malik and i also talked about blogging about what God is doing in our lives.

right now I'm really not sure what He is doing.

I'm kinda scared about college and i think He knows that.

He also keeps showing me my lack of faith, and my shortcomings.

but then reminding me like the song says that His grace is enough.

Usually though I struggle with not being good enough, but He is going to help me get over that.

i really want to what God wants i just feel a lil lost sometimes :)

Part I

So malik and i started our very exclusive book club! so far we have several books we have already both read and its all very exciting!!

right now im reading MAX

which is in the Maximum Ride series!!

There are several main characters that all happen to have avian DNA grafted onto their human DNA in order to give them wings and several other awesome power type thingies.

Max: protaginist, super fast flier, flock leader

Fang: most BADASS side-kick ever, in love w/Max(oh max is a girl AND she is in love w/Fang), ability to blend in w/ and surroundings

Iggy: blind, has the ability to feel colors, pyrotechnics genius

Gasman: Iggy's right hang man, pyro genius as well, ability to imitate w/100% accuracy any sound, Angel's brother

Nudge: talker, can hack any computer, and draws metalic objects to her, super girly, actually pretty normal

Angel: FREAK, mind reader, mind manipulator, 6 years old, communicates w/ fish, can breathe under water

Erasers: flock hunters

In any case I would have to say Fang, and nudge are my favorites.

See fang has tons of power and could really override max at anytime, but he supports her instead.He is also dark and mysterious, but dependable at the same time. He is patient with the rest of the flock even when you know he is thinking about strangling them.

Nudge is just so normal, yet at the same time she is compassionate, and wants a family and acceptance so badly which is in the heart of every person. plus she is totally bad ass for such a kid.

when you take a look at the flock altogether it represents the chalanges of adolescence.

Max is the leader, maternal or paternal part of us that wants to protect others. she also has no idea what she wants and is constantly conflicted.

fang is the strong silent part of us that supports our friends and is willing to take risks if it means protecting them.

Iggy represents the part of us that is missing something. He is missing his sight yet his family of friends surrounds him to fill in where he is lacking.

Gasman represents the part of us that wants to mimik others and fit in, but he also represents the completion of Iggy, and the part of us that is willing to fill in the space in others where they are gaping.

Nudge is the compelling part of us that draws others in, and yearns for love above all else.

Angel represents the dangerously powerful part of us. The part that can manipulate others, and has emmense power and danger.

so essentially James Patterson is a genius and I love him dearly

stupid...

why do i do these things?

please please tell me..

oh goodness goodness goodness

but im learning.

i will make better choices i promise :)

Sooooo

I need to focus on trusting God more.

All my other ways of dealing with life end up in failure, as of course they would.

"I know who I want to take me home"

I really dont.

I'm off guys for the summer, but they are soo tempting!

they make life more interesting!

But this summer isn't about guys, it's about being young having a job and fun.

This summer is about becoming a better person.

It's about becoming more me-ier.

I dont want to loose my much-ness, and this summer is about keeping it.

This summer is about beaches, lightening bugs, graduation, college, and adbstenance(not that im not always abstinent.)

So in a nutshell I want this to be an epic summer wherein i figure out where I am, and where I'm going, and just basically have a witchin' time.

so that leaves no time and/or space for men.

None what-so-ever.

So what if they have adorable smiles, and snuggly hugs.

it doesn't matter I have no time for them.

Unimportant

So I've decided that I've stopped blogging because I have nothing all that important to say, but thats what blogs are about right? the unimportant little things that make life interesting right?

So here is all the unimportant info about my recent life:

in the past three month I have

~gottten 1 really bad sunburn(and subsequent farmer's tan)

~gone through 2 prom dates/boyfriends

~broken 3 hearts

~won 4(ish) ( one of them really didnt count cause it was just recognitin for blah blah nvrmind) awards (i am an honor grad after all yay!)

~cried my very first tears over a movie(my sister's keeper)

~lost 15 pounds

~gotten no jobs

~figured out what college I'm going to

~decided to cut my hair

and learned a lot about life, love, and slushies

life is good.

love will happen.

its not going anywhere.

there is just as much love in this world today as there was yesterday dont worry.

i feel like most of us live our lives in anticipation of great love.

love is great, and awesome but what are we waiting for?

i know that our society has surpassed looking down on single, but have singles stopped doing it?

i dont think so

Drama detector

Apparently I don't have one till it's too late ;)

17

I have about three weeks left of 17 and that breaks my heart just sayin

Why am i not a nice person?

I was gunna ask why am i mean, and awful?

but i know why because in this world instead of paying forward happiness and goodness we tend to pay forward all of the bad things that have happened to us.

So as a typical child of divorce i pay forward all my daddy issues to the poor guys who are unfortunate enough to fall for me.

instead of transferring hugs and love we transfer the middle finger and hatred, but you just wait that is about to change for me.

I'm convinced I can do this I'm convinced that God has given me my circumstances for a reason, and I'm supposed to love all of the people around me and I'm going to do my best from now on to do just that.

My Goals For This Month(march)

1. be better at loving people

2. find a job

3. find a prom dress

4. find a date

5. stop procrastinating

6. be honest

7. make a difference

8. go to the gym so I can look adorbs in my prom dress

this is sorta a long list for one month but God is good :)

It's wednesday again

snow day

Wednesdayyyy

yup it's wednesday and that means bible club and youth group.

One down one to go :)

Today my patience has been tried, and stretched, but it was still a great day.

But poor Maeg she had an allergic reaction and is asleep on the couch, it was a rough day for the poor kid.

but,but,but....

I wore the right shoes, and I had great hair.

I did my nails(sure i did them sunday and they are already messed up but who cares i did them okay;)

I had a good day, but not because of any of any of those things.

I had a great day because frankly I have good friends.

I have mediocre teachers, and a sucky school district.

Most of all God was watching out for my day, and my heart.

That sounds silly, but its how I feel.

Today could most definately have been really icky, but it was slightly awesome.

I even shovelled the driveway, and all day i have not been able to figure out how to spell shovelling or shovelled.

I'm also pretty sure that pandora is trying to brain wash me into going to bitz.com for some reason(just kidding.)

Anyways thats my rant for the day so all my love goes out to you my friends :)

peaaacee ;)

Jason Cooley I Don't Hate You

So today I realized that I am a world class meanie.

You wanna know why?

Because once I have someone I don't want them anymore.

Not that anyone ever really has another person, but I think you know what I mean.

Anyways, that isn't the only reason I'm mean I also just expect so much from others!

Like if anyone is mad at me for any reason how dare they be mad? Or if I know it is my fault I still think well they have no right they did this to piss me off before so it's not like they are perfect!

As far as guys go I want them to be lovey but then if they are too mushy I'm like be a man!!

I have no idea what's wrong with me! hahaha

Oh well it's just who I am I guess :)

(oh and J this had absolutely nothing to do with you fyi I'm just saying I dont hate you)

Pretty Pretty Princess

i am a pretty pretty princess!!

haha well at least thats how i feel this week!

it has been a great week!

it makes me anxious for the end of the year but anxious for it to never ever come.

im terrified of staying here and terrified to go!!

but this has been a great week! senior group pics and fun new classes!

fun new boys and unfun new girl drama

i just love it for now and it all makes me feel like a little princess with little prince and princess friends in a castle of high school and a kingdom of middletown!!!

:)

being nice
studying
not beating people up
cleaning my room
doing my chores
not saying the f word(im starting with the big ones and working my way down)
not staying angry(and spelling angry the right way)
not procrastinating
not lying to get out of things
taking responsibility
these are all the things that im trying to get better at. :) not cause its a newish year but because i think i should.
so yeah